Falls Beauty

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Wednesday, November 6, 2013

Grief's Lament


This friends, is probably the most painful blog I've written. Hear my heart...

 

As you encroached the end of this life's road, beloved Mother, friend, forgetting the Lord was there to comfort, I sought to escape the depths of sorrow's sting. Still, He understood, and does today, perhaps what no one can. I loved you too much to see you go, by way of Alzheimer's dreadful woe.
The disease crept in so fast. Swept in like the winds of fall, erasing the sharp-as-a-tac woman you were, Mom, and lost were memories made. I felt so small. There was nothing I could do. It hurt so much, how could I bear it? Oh, to crawl into your lap again, and snuggle against your bosom sweet.  

And yet, a pain I'd carried deep within, inflicted by envy's loss. That which stole from me blessings we might have enjoyed, had you not waited 'till then, to share what I always suspected ... and never understood.  

What happened to your younger self to cause such pain, that you would covet the gifts God entrusted to me? When the gifts in you I hoped to attain, gifts you denied existed; oh, beautiful voice to worship, flower arrangements made and set in front of the church pulpit, cooking, sewing, hospitality, and more. The gifts you encompassed, dearly beloved, which caused much pain because of envy, why? Why envy me, you who were blessed by God in so many ways?  

Each visit, sorrows touch pierced deep, a chord that echo's still. Seeing the slide your mind was on, a load I could not bear, and pained by father's words pressed guilt, did push me further still. Yet, good times too, I'll always cherish, Mom. Your laughter, our laughter intermingled, humors touch did ease our pain. You were a good Mom, and I'd have no other. 

But darkness crept in and sought to pull down, to steal any joy that I might gain--and, You saw it all, Lord. You reached out your hand, calling softly, lift your eyes child, call My name. Then gazing into heaven, sweet surrender, sweetest joy, by tender compassion I was employed.

Reminders of you are all around, Mom, lover of nature's sweetest sounds; wind in trees, birds singing sweetly, rain falling on leaves; your voice lifted in praises, beautiful woman, sweet lover of God.  

As death drew near, to your side I ran... In the days and hours, not knowing when He'd say, "It's time," I held your hand. "Not so many kisses," you said one day, and I gave a sad laugh, for I couldn't give enough away. And yet, through Alzheimer's long journey from beginning to end, the one thing I most dreaded, God did preserve. He let you remember, Mommy, until the end … who I am. And I am forever grateful.
 

 

 
Your Daughter, Aways & Forever,
 
Danie Marie

 
In Loving Memory
 
Margaret Eloise (last name withheld)
 
Born
 
May 5, 1932
 
Passed into the arms of Jesus
 October 11, 2013
 
 
 
 

14 comments:

  1. Wow, very touching, emotional, and honestly raw. You have poured out your soul and I pray God comforts you. Focus on the good memories and times, it will help ease the stress and pain. *hugs*

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    1. Thank you sweet friend, and for being there when I needed you the other day. I'm so glad the Lord moved you and Jim up our way.

      Love & Blessings,
      Danie

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  2. I'm glad you could write about this, Danie, because I think it will help you. You are staying close to God, and that's what counts. Praying for you and your family...

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    1. Thank you sweet sister, for your prayers and encouragement. Miss you!

      Love & Blessings,
      Danie

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  3. Oh my....I FELT it with you. And I know . Your pain is only proof of your love. Asking God to somehow heal your heart and soul. Hugs and many prayers.

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    1. Thank you sweet sister/friend. You know more than most how it feels. Praying for you as well!


      Love & Blessings,
      Danie

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  4. Oh Danie, I'm sitting here crying at your beautiful words. Your transparency is real and raw and true. And He's not surprised. I praise Him for allowing your mother to remember you. That's a gift not many get with Alzheimer's. In the midst of all the heartache, you were blessed.

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    1. Aww, thank you sweet friend. Yes, very blessed! I'll always treasure God's goodness to me in those difficult days and hours, and for the prayers of friends like you.


      Love & Blessings,
      Danie

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  5. Danie, your sorrow and pain resonate in this message, but even more I feel the love that only exists between a mother and daughter. It's such a complicated relationship, isn't it? Praying for your comfort and ability to be there with others as they follow this path when their parents.

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    1. Thank you for stopping by sweet sister, and for your words of encouragement.

      Love & Blessings,
      Danie

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  6. Danie, thank you for sharing. Your blog honors your mother and speaks highly of your love and devotion. I'd like to share with you what the hospice nurse told us when my dad was dying as I think it will give you comfort. She said, "When they are dying, their skin sensations change. They usually cannot stand to be touched so you need to refrain from touching them as much as possible. This is not personal. It is a physical reaction to the changes that are going on in their bodies. It is not unusual to find that someone who is dying has thrown off all their clothes and the sheet. Even the sheet is too heavy and uncomfortable for some of them at this point. Please do not be alarmed. It is a natural part of the dying process."

    Danie, your mom gave you two great gifts as she was dying--she remembered your name and who you were/are. And she didn't reject your kisses. She had enough clarity that she could ask you to not give her so many while she could not explain that her body was changing and she was experiencing new sensations--some unpleasant from this world that was passing away from her. She still wanted your kisses of love--as many as her dying body would allow her to accept. Truly, she must have been a great woman in her own right and her love for you is obvious in those final words.

    May God comfort you through the love of your family and friends, and in his own special ways.
    Much love to you sweet, special friend. Patsy

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    1. Oh Patsy, I so wish I'd known this. While I knew not to hold her hand tightly, her last day my dad and Mom's caregiver had blankets piled on her! I thought she'd be too hot, but they said she was cold. By the end of the day, I finally convinced them to take one of the blankets off of her. If it was me, the less blankets the better. Nothing I can do about that now, and she's at peace with our Lord and Savior. Thank you so much for your sweet thoughts.

      Love & Blessings,
      Danie

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  7. Perhaps you will enjoy "Christmas with the Angels," my account of my mother's passing.
    http://grandmastreasures.wordpress.com/2012/12/14/christmas-with-the-angels/

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  8. I read your story Margaret. Thanks for sharing. :)

    Love & Blessings,
    Danie

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