This friends, is probably the most painful blog I've written. Hear my heart...
As you encroached the end of this life's road, beloved Mother, friend, forgetting the Lord was there to comfort, I sought to escape the depths of sorrow's sting. Still, He understood, and does today, perhaps what no one can. I loved you too much to see you go, by way of Alzheimer's dreadful woe.
The disease crept in so fast. Swept in like the winds of fall, erasing the sharp-as-a-tac woman you were, Mom, and lost were memories made. I felt so small. There was nothing I could do. It hurt so much, how could I bear it? Oh, to crawl into your lap again, and snuggle against your bosom sweet.
And yet, a pain I'd carried deep within, inflicted by envy's loss. That which stole from me blessings we might have enjoyed, had you not waited 'till then, to share what I always suspected ... and never understood.
What happened to your younger self to cause such pain, that you would covet the gifts God entrusted to me? When the gifts in you I hoped to attain, gifts you denied existed; oh, beautiful voice to worship, flower arrangements made and set in front of the church pulpit, cooking, sewing, hospitality, and more. The gifts you encompassed, dearly beloved, which caused much pain because of envy, why? Why envy me, you who were blessed by God in so many ways?
Each visit, sorrows touch pierced deep, a chord that echo's still. Seeing the slide your mind was on, a load I could not bear, and pained by father's words pressed guilt, did push me further still. Yet, good times too, I'll always cherish, Mom. Your laughter, our laughter intermingled, humors touch did ease our pain. You were a good Mom, and I'd have no other.
But darkness crept in and sought to pull down, to steal any joy that I might gain--and, You saw it all, Lord. You reached out your hand, calling softly, lift your eyes child, call My name. Then gazing into heaven, sweet surrender, sweetest joy, by tender compassion I was employed.
Reminders of you are all around, Mom, lover of nature's sweetest sounds; wind in trees, birds singing sweetly, rain falling on leaves; your voice lifted in praises, beautiful woman, sweet lover of God.
As death drew near, to your side I ran... In the days and hours, not knowing when He'd say, "It's time," I held your hand. "Not so many kisses," you said one day, and I gave a sad laugh, for I couldn't give enough away. And yet, through Alzheimer's long journey from beginning to end, the one thing I most dreaded, God did preserve. He let you remember, Mommy, until the end … who I am. And I am forever grateful.
Your Daughter, Aways & Forever,
In Loving Memory
Margaret Eloise (last name withheld)
May 5, 1932
Passed into the arms of Jesus
October 11, 2013